beautifulHEARTbreak_xx's Xanga

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 19:17:33 GMT

well ups and downs

today is an up...for now.

i want to leave. go hang out with someone.

just get my mind off of things further.

i do love him.

i just dont know anymore.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 00:35:48 GMT

good day

good good day.

tomorrow shall be better. when my new camera is all charged and i spend about 3 hours with kins.

excited.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 02:11:18 GMT

fuck life.

who really needs it anyway?

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 11:48:50 GMT

i hate temptation. its one of the most wonderful things on earth. think about it...its the one thing thats everywhere. and i used to be so numb to it. i used to look away when it came near. now i find myself completely confused looking towards it as if its a religion.

is it possibly because i have turned away from God? am i not as strong?

i feel like my faith is still slipping. sure there are ups, but those downs are deeper than valleys of a mountain. i want to feel that sense of relief when i pray again, instead of fear. i want to want to go to church. i want to want to read my bible. everything just seems as if its more important and i hate that.

i dont want to be the person im becoming. i dont want mikey and i to possibly break up and become a whore. i dont want to sleep around. i want to stay with mikey.

i want to feel like my mom and rest of my family still love me even though i made that mistake. i dont want them to hate mikey.

i want to feel like what im doing is right in God's eyes.

maybe this is just going no where. maybe ive already lost it. im so scared. i guess that probably means something right?

i love God with all of my heart. i know he'll always be there for me. but sometimes, temptations are so inviting. i know theyre wrong, but im so willing to do them. i hate that about myself.

well i need to go. wake up mikey. get ready for church.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 17:22:51 GMT

mom found out.

im going back to church.

im going to do better in school.

im still going to love him more than anyone.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 19:39:52 GMT

i truely hate human nature. everything about it. the feelings we feel. the actions we take. it sucks. ok so there are some feelings that are absolutely completely wonderful, like feeling loved. but others such as envy, hate, or greed are awful beyond believe.

and then theres passion. what exactly is passion?
you can have passion for so many things its ridiculous, and half the stuff isn't even right to have passion for. people get so involved in drugs and alcohol, in friends, in partying, in sex, that they don't even know what they want out of life. they begin to hate it.

i do believe in God, and i believe he put us on this earth to love each other and to learn from other people and about the world he put us on, but its a bit much when we start slowly killing ourselves and others with toxins and hatred and envy and greed and every other negative feeling.

one of the most clear discussions ive ever had about the human emotions was in english class about love and hate. and that love is not the opposite of hate or vise versa, the opposite of both of them is being uninterested. and i wish i could just be uninterested in a few people, instead of getting so involved in their lives that i can't think straight in my own.

im scared for my future. i do have faith that ill go onto better things, and i do believe i can strive to be a successful person, but i need to put 3/4s of myself into that. into God, school, and school. the other 1/4 is for my friends and family and mikey.

i do plan on going onto ohio northern and continue dating mikey until i graduate and marrying him. i do plan on that. i just wish id get it through my thick skull that its not going to fall through. i do have faith that it wont as long as we're both completely committed with everything that we are.

i love him with all of my heart. and people need to just realize this. it pisses me off so much that so many people love to critique our relationship and try to bring my confidence down in it. but guess what you wont.

mikey and i have this connection, and no matter how hard someone tries to break it...they cant. the only two people that can are us. and i plan on not breaking it.

i guess im just realizing, again, that i need to start growing up, taking responsibility, and preparing for the years to come. lovely.

im done now. have a goodday.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 00:37:49 GMT

i love him.

very very much.

♥

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 15:38:37 GMT

this is me updating.

yay.

♥

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 12:50:43 GMT

another bad night.

performance wasnt bad. but i did cry when i got home.

bah. i hate how stupid people can be sometimes.

bye.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 23:10:23 GMT

bad day.

bad week.

performance this weekend.

come.